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BALL m YAM, 



OR 



QUEER, QUAINT & QUIZZICAL 
Stories, Unraveled. 

WITH NEARLY 200 COMIC MGIUYINGS OF 
FREAKS, FOLLIES & FOIBLES 



O F 



QUEER POLKS 




PHILIP J. COZANS, Publisher, 116 Nassau Street, N. Y. 



W—i 



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THE BOWEKY BULLY'S TRIP 
TO THE CALIFORJYIA.X GOLD MINES. 




Mose as he now appears. 



Mose as he used to appear 
^jg flnr ^»a«i i ..»..i i n i i ~TT^ — i 




MOSE KEYSEE, the pet of Centre Market and the Bowery bully — evcrj 
bwdy knows Mose ; and them that dont know Mose, dont know any body, as 
is any body ; a spree wouldn't be <' 
a spree if Mose wasn't thar, at a i ^\ 
fire or a Vauxhall Ball, our hero < ^ 
is equally at home, and wo to the 
green horn that attempts to make 
a muss when he is about ; he 
walks into a row like a pile of 
brick, unlike General Taylor, he 
always has a friend to reward and 
an enemy to punish, and is al- 
ways to be found by either — well, 
now Mose as I was saying, goes 
up to the hub fer the New York 
Sun, because the said Sun did 
say that the Smoke and Thunder / ^ 
Guards was the best drilled fire s £ 
company in our diggins, so in 
course Mose reads the Sun, and 
reading the Sun got the Californy 
fever; he know'd the Gold was 
thar, cause it was in the Sun, and s 
being in the Sun was O.K. So \ 
he read and re-read the corres- ^ 
pondence in the Sun, until he 
heard the Hall Bell ring for fire. } - fancy sketch of caliph-houity 





After running two miles wid der machine finds it's a false alarm — consoles 
himself -with two stews and a Welch Rarebit at Perkins', tops off with a 
brandy smash, turns in at the bunk-room, and dreams of mountains of gold, 
diamonds the size of a hunk of chalk, and being made Chief Engineer. 



MOSE'S FAREWELL. 

TUNE " OH SUSANNAH." 

I've put from New York city, 

With my wash bowl on my knee. 
And I'm going to California 
The gold dust for to see ; 
It rained all night the day I left 

But I was gallus dry, 
So I did put the party through, 
But Syksey don't you cry. 
Oh California I'm told 

Is just the land for me, 
I'm going there for lumps of gold, 
With my wash bowl on my knee. 

I jumped on board the Apollo ship 
And quicker we went to sea, 

A.nd every time I thought of home, 
Oh ! I wished it was'nt me. 

The Vessel reared like an old Horse, 
It did like any darn'd elf. 



I found out it could'nt throw me, 

But soon I had to throw myself. 

Oh California. 

I thought of all the rowdy times 

We'd spree'd together here, 
So I tried to cry a bit, 

But could'nt raise a tear. 
The Pilot bread was in my moii'h, 

And Brandy smashes in my eye. 
And though I'm going far away 

Oh Syksey don't you cry. 

Oh California 

I soon shall be in San Francisco, 

And then I'll look all round, 
And when I see the gold lumps there 

I'll pick them off the ground. 
I'll rake the mountains down my boys 

I'll drain the rivers dry, 
A pocket full of rocks bring home, 

So Syksey ! don't you cry. 

Oh California. 



RSE 




There's lots of Gold in Kaliforny no mistake in that, but then you see it 
takes lots of gold to get over to sun-set ; now Mose had been to the races 
about that time, and the honest covey as did the little joker in the thim- 
ble-rig line, had eased Mose of his last dime, so the next morning after ta- 
king his bitters, a brandy smash and .a cobler by way of an eye-opener, 
Mose queries with himself respecting the tin — no bladders on band and noth- 
to put up the spout ; so without any qualms, he calls on his rich uncle, 



the Boss of the meltin 



association, and in a few words tells the Old Fogey 
( how the matters stand, 
S repeats the glowing de- 
£ scription's of the gold 
; diggens a-la-the Sua ; 
) know'd nuncle wag an 
( out and outer ,would'nt 
{ a seme to him else, and 
\ if he know'd nuncle, 
S why nuncle know"d 
<• him could lick any man 
? of his weight and size 
<j in Centre Market. Tom 
s Hyer was some, but 
j he could'nt walk his 
/ chalks with a chap of 
) his figure, but to come 
( to the pint, all he 
( wanted was a cool hun- 
S dred or so. Yes he did. 




Chairing a Member of the California 
Congress, 




Nuncle's literary knowledge 
had never extended to the clas- 
sical expression of the indig- 
nant landlady — when she ex- 
claimed " no you don't, Mr. 
Ferguson, you can't come in" 
but a sort of a — Don't you 
wish you may get it ? is very 
'plainly expressed on the old 
Jgents brOw, and a sort of an 
If- you - get - it - before- 1 -do- 
let-me-know -it," glance from 
his eyes ; the Uncle was de- 
cidedly in an unamiable mood, 
for you see the Old Fufu having 
just received intelligence of a 
protested Note, and not being 
in a very hand over the needful 
humor, shows his hopeful ne- 
phew the door the carpenter 
made, same, time giving him per- 
mission to go to the hottest place 
>on record. Mose puts with a 
^threat of Jamming the old 
H^tsJ^^ < covey, and doing nothing else. 

/ always likes to save trouble ! Boots for the Boss, and Coffee for the Mis- 
tress ; easy done once as twice going up stairs. 





slaughter-house, or 

to Lime his fast 
orse, he receives a 
note from his Aunty 
inclosing &200 with 
a request that he 
will put off quicker, 
for fear the old man 
^\ (might get wind of 
the money, and 
smoke where it come 
<;from. Mose allows 
the old Avoman to be 
agoodun to go,if*she 
is a rum to look at, 
^blasts his eyes for 
luck, and tries Ins 
hand, no I mistake 
his feet, in a game of 
double shuffle, and 
finishes by trying to 



If any you gintlemen have been long enough on 
Blackivells Island to have learnt Geology \ I'll thank Calculate the propo- 
hini to pint out the softest stone, for I'm rather partic- ; g jtion of "if an oun'ie 
ular about taking a soft seat. < f „ \ ( \ j s W orth §1 7, 



what will a blasted big pile come to ?" Ans. — To New York quicker ! 




All the Volunteers of tlie machine Muse belongs to, volunteer to look a 
Ship for him, and by their united efforts, and any quantity of drinks, they 
cant decide on which is the best vessel, until a captain, sharper than the 
rest, stands punches all round, and having closed their eyes, they see clearly 
that his is the craft and no mistake. Having engaged passage, he sets about 
laying ±n his stores, lots of Tod, Segars, Tobacco, Spades, Hoes, Shovels, 
Pickaxes, Rifles, Pistols and Bowie Knives, Red Shirts and big Hats — not 

forgetting lots of beans and Blake's Bit- 
) ters ; when getting the last at Tom's he 
j puts the party through. 




Hard Times. 



Custom House Tnquisitiveness, looking 

in an Elephant's trunk for Smuggled 
S goods. 




therose is a trump and nothing shorter ; he's rock, raal adamant almost, but 
Me is one little soft spot. Mose like his betters, has a ■weakness, its nn 
amiable one, no less than the one his grandfather Adam got in a scrape 
about with Mrs. Eve ; in short, not to be too prosy, Mose's weakness is wo- 
man. " Gallus Lize" as the bhoys affectionately call her, is the pet of our 
hero ; the parting with her on Pier No. 10 East River was melting as tallow 
in dog days ; and the last smack he gave her was so tremendous, that it 

frightened a skittish horse so 
s that he backed over the string 

piece into the river. He did. 




Professor Morse seems to 
have got Kiley about his tele- 
graphic rights. We fear that 
Judge Crank's late decision 
may prove a Bain to his hopes. I 
Should he be ultimately sue- ' 
cessful, the House will prove 
too hot to hold his opponents. | 



The shores of the Hudson, it 
is said, have no equals. It 
may be so, but they certainly 
have a great many piers, at 
least in our vicinity. 





The Ravel Family sacking the Royal Palace 
of Louis Phillipe. 



It would be out of place to 
attempt to set down all that 
Mose hove up in that voy- 
age. Mose vowed that he 
had trebled and quadrupled 
many a horn at home, that 
was'nt a circumstance to 
his doubling a Iiorn at sea. 

Suffice to say, that after 
numerous misadventures by 
sea and land, he arrives at 
the modern Ophir. His 
usual good luck attends him. 
The first day he finds a 
solid lump of Gold weigh- 
ing One Hundred Pounds, 
Ten Ounces, Fifteen Pen- 
nyweights and twenty 
Grains. 



Hints on Matrimony — 
Don't be surprised if, after 
you have sailed smoothly 
eight or ten months, on 
the voyage of matrimony, j 
you are suddenly over- 1 
taken by squalls ! 





The Goblet so bright, and the Lad 
so tight" 



■> Mose was a bad economist, lie 

> never stopt to " count his beans" 
$ and sharing his stock with one 
^sucker and another, he soon run 

> ashore in the victualling dcpart- 
? ment ; as his provisions got scarce 
?his appetite increased, and he was 
^ compelled to look around for fod- 
<; der ; when who should he come 
^ athwart, but Old Solomon Judas, 
\ the cursedest Jew that ever swin- 
dled in Chatham Street. Mose had 
bought r«d abirts. and forty inches 
round the bottom ptt£<" *? the old 
Villian, who in return seeing ^jsc 
was an old friend, kindly gives him 
a pound of pork for a pound of 

i gold. 

" Do you keep matches here," 

j; asked a wag of a retailer. "Oh, 

yes, all kinds," was the reply. 

" Then I'll take a trotting match." 

When a Baltimore girl is kissed, 
she says she is taking chloroform, 
and remains insensible as long as 
the operation las-ts. 



aasarr 




Luck comes so strong he can't bluff it off no how, and in a short time he 
gets together so much of the O be joyful, that it fills his tent, chock up, and 
he is compelled to sl'eep ou J - in the open air, with nothing but his boots to 
shelter him — he sleeps sound nevertheless. 



The extensive authority of parents, under the 
Chinese laws, is well known. A Chinese of 
forty years old, whose aged mother flogged him 
every day, shed tears in the company of one of 
hia friends. " Why do you weep r" " Alas ! 
things are not as they used to be — the poor 
woman's arm grows feebler every day." 




"JYever look a gift Horse in the mouth. 




Old Comic Elton return' 
ing thanks to the Commit- 
tee that called on him, 
nominating him for Cov- 
er twr of California. He j 
thanks them tvith all his 
heart, but begs leave to de- 1 
dine the honor. 





Up to this time, Mose has worked so hard 
and slept so sound that he has had no time for 
reflection, but now his gold had got beyond 
millions, and the Schoolmaster not being 
abroad in those diggens, he could'nt cypher 
out Billions and Trillions. So he knocked off 
for a days recreation, which said spree ended 
in his spelling out the name of hi* darling 
Lize in the Golden Sands, with a diamond 
period. He determined to return to NewYork, 
quicker, buy up the Astor House, hare a glo- 
rious tuck out and astonish the Natives 



Calves' heads and ox tails are, in England, 
considered as delicacies ; and, if our butcher* 
would save them for sale, they would be cer- 
tain never to lose money, as they would tk«c 
make both ends meat. 

The difference between the cholera and ore 
vasse at New Orleans is, that one broke out, 
and the other broke in. 



The newly hatched American Eagle getting the first glance of the 
Pacific Ocean from OUR possession in California. 




Mose and his Ship-load of mintdrops, arrive safe in New York port. The i 
Common Council or as the rogues call them " uncommon scoundrels," vote ) 
him the Freedom of the City, and the use of the Governors Room; he is re- \ 
ceived into the bosom of his Uncle's family "with the most disinterested af- ! 
fee lion ; he forgives the old man in consideration of what the old woman did. ^ 
for him, make's them richer than ever old John 
Jacob Astor was. He and Lize gets slung, 
and he dos'nt (a mistake) — and he does do 
something else, and finally dies a good old age, 
with lots of Goslings, Gold and Glory. 

" When I goes shoppin'," said Mrs Parting- j 
ton, " I allays asks for what I wants, and M : 
they have it, and it's suitable, and I feel ia- j 
clined to buy it, and it's cheap and can't be j 
got at any other place for less, I mo3t allaya i 
takes it without chapperin' about it all day j 
long like some people does." j 

A wag was jogging home rather late and s 
little happy, when, passing by a dark alley, a 
large two-fisted fellow stepped out, and seizing i 
him by the collar, demanded his nionej. j 
"Money!" said the wag, "money! I have 
none — but if you wait a moment, I will give ' 
you my note at thirty days " I 




Lize as she appeared on 
board Mose's Golden Yatch 
off Castle Garden. 



ANOTHER LITTLE COMIC— A Dedication 



" Here, Mr, Pug ; here's, 
the little beauty — the very 
picture of its daddy ! Isn't 
it an angel, Mr. Fug? 
Kiss the dear little critter, 
for it's the very flower of 
the family/' 

' ; The devil ! It's no more 
like me than a saucepan 
is like a jewsharp ! Now 
I recollect, that pedlar that 
was along this way last 
year had just such a nose !" 

lt Oh, Mr. Pug, how can 
ivou suspicion your own 
[lawful wife in that way 
j Besides, there's 110 use in- 
cryin' for spilt milk, and 
'one baby is as good as an- 
other." 



" I say, Jack," shouted 
. Smithfield drover the 
jother day to his pal, " these 
Icursed sheep vont move in 
{this vether ; lend us a bark 
,of your dog, vill you," 





THE SEA SARPINT ARTER ANN-AC ON DA 



I u Miss Darling, who was that that 
followed you home from Church on 
Sunday last ?" 

" Oh, it was that divlish JohnStubbs, 

who is arter all the pais thi* side of 

Sleepy Hollow, but he'll never come<i 

over me, I can tell you. He'll never' 

corrupt my vartue, no how." | 

c And if he do&s, 

Miss Darling, I'll tell 

you what I would do. 

I would jistsarve him 

the same sags, and 

that 'ill be into him." 



A gallant wag wa« 
lately sitting besido 
his beloved, and bs- 
ing unable to think 
of any thing else to 
say, asked her why 
she was like a tai^ 
lor? "I don't know,'': 
said she, with a pout-! 
ing lip, " unless it is : 
because I'm sittiug 1 
beside a srooso." 




u Now — now, Miss Dinah, you can't say but that I'm a good-looking fellow; 
and you knows I loves you as I love my life. You can't say but I loves you,! 
sartin." 

" I tinks you does, Pete, I tinks you loves me, dem's a fact You hab won myj 
wirgin heart. Pete." 

" Oh, you delikit critter, when shall I be so happy as to call you rny own, and 
.enjoy those ravishing charms all to myself?'' 

I " Lor ! Pete, how you makes one feel wid your ways ! As soon as do 'malga- 
mation law is passed, I will make you happy, Pete.'' 



" Odds zooks ! who 
are you and what do 
you want ? You may 
jbe a very clever fel- 
low, but you're not 
| good looking." 

" A truce with 
'your compliments, 
{old Gummy, or I'll 
[kick up a family 
quarrel between us. 
A fat oyster wouldn't 
be a circumstance to 
the way I'd swallow 
you." 



To keep out c^jail,| 
pay your debts. 




WHO THE DEVIL ARE YOU ? 

B I ~ -»~ — ' 




Ji Green Horn from the Country just arrived in town to seeHhe JLnimal. Escorted by one of 
thf City Pilots. — " You are without (hie) exception the most (hie) gentlemanly cha p I 
(hie) ever that " 

" Ah, you may think yourself lucky you've got in sich respectable company, seeing vot 
a state you're in. I'm biow'd if some people would'nt have rob'd yer I" 



A TALE OF A TAYLOR. 




Agustus Lennox, having a com- 
mission as a Lieutenant, comes from 
the Jarsies to get a suit of soger 
clothes from a Broadway Tailor. 




The Broadway Tailor cogitating. 
He wondereth if Mr. Lennox will 
pay his bill. 




The Broadway Tailor dunneth 
foci© Lieutenant — asking for money 
■ — he getteth a sight. 




The Broadway Tailor trieth it 
on the said Lieutenant Lennox's 
anxious Pa ! The Honorable Mr. 
Lennox, Member of Congress from 
the Jarsies, replieth : " The young 
man you allude to is of age,'* and 
then telleth the Broadway Tailor 
to < ; go to H — or Hackenaack." 





The Broadway Tailor* is sorely 
troubled. The garments of the man- 
of-war are at Fort Hamilton, and 
the Lieutenant only tarrieth for 
the sailing of a man-of-war to take 
the said garments to Mexico. The 
Broadway Tailor looketh abroad 
for aid, and is told to go into Nas- 
sau, St., yea, even into a laAvyer's 
office. He doth so, and is comfort- 
ed. The man of law talketh learn- 
edly of writs ! Eldridge street pri- 
son ! ! and non-resident debtors ! ! ! 



Lennox is flumrtxed. 
The lawyer gfetteth an 
order for costs and all, 
on the paymaster. The 
Tailor floruisheth his 
shears in triumph, and 
biddetli the young man 
go and sin no more. 




"Wal," said a soft- 
hearted, blubbering Jon- 
athan, the other day, 
" Suke has gin me the sack, 
by gravy ! I've lost her " 

"Lost her; how?" in- 
quired his sympathizing 
friend. 

" I laid the soft soap 
into her so darned thick, 
that the critter got so 
proud she wouldn't speak 
to me." 



A Spanish Officer raising 
the Invaders of Cuba. 



Recruits to repel 



"What a charming 
bouquet !" said a fascina- 
ting lady, who was hold- 
ing a nosegay ; " I almost 
adore flowers — my senses 
become intoxicated with 
their odor." 

" Ha, madam," replied 
a gentleman, " you don't 
mean to say you ever get 
drunk on a scent," {cent.) 




A Rural Repast, — Or Calling without an Invitation. — " Take any 
j<k&pe but that, and my firm nerves will never shake." — Macbeth. 



Never tell a 
man his children 
don't look like 
him. It may be 
true ; still it 
dsn't sit well, 
especially if he 
is much away 
from home. 




Half Angry. Three-quarters Angry. Whole Angry. 



Peimit me to introduce myself, as the oyster -knife said to the native. 

imm^mmtm n i i i i TT ' T7 i 11 i mmtimaS^ III ~ t \T~ \ T * ~ 



MARRIAGE. 




miss, but ended with 
dee did not prove 



.S3 



^ o road carriage, Ball prac-.^ 
^'s moothly ran , as any rail IJl jj 

M -S I "" <« a 



Sgg Lj,ojThe course of true love ° -£ 




^7&L J135JI y © (mansland, and S.C.A.M.P. 12 "I 



fe ^U — 




a bogue, Knight of Know- 
S £ of high degree, Count Horn- 



g <u offers has refused, and some 
3 *2 fortune in herself! A hundred 

SO 




Lucy's such a fortune — yes, 
oh, what is worldly pelf? Whenl 



^CWNCELLOR 




Dear Lucy such a treasure is- 
a lady talks, it is with Mrs.Smith. 



S^^ir^s. 




2 *2 pushes out forthwith, When next'rj e 
he to [then I o 

^ o She blushes, stops, and palpitatesl^ _ 

ju ' U 



vy h? o what he says, his passion he con-, M p., 

^ Ue -SI fesses. [knowing <3 ,© 

? 1^2 fondly presses, While, scarcely Ur * | 
g <- J- — l h «*M 

"^^ LS J 'giddy now by whirling round, hisIS^ 1 
"Sgf suit he And 3*i 

-o* s 'grown — at least, he has grown soft ;| t^ I 

"a a 1 




60, 



<<*H 



Ihe's been oft, Until the youth has ten -1.8 g I 
der [partner rg 




THE UNION. 



S-E-P-A-R-A-T-I-O-N F 




agreed, and that was 
Until on one point both 






temper, and vexation 
g o f passed in bick erings, itl-l g. 

S g — — . ^ a . 

a § been. Their time was T* ^ 
ff g away, or countess she had » ,2 U, 



vowed she'd thrown herself 1 * 
call on Mrs. Green, Who j> I 



£ ^ 




too, would leave his card, and g *| 
have kept. Count Hombogue.-5 ' 



a <2 yes, she did-should single folksl^ 
9 § [ wept !) Some folks she knew-oh > H 
(88 ~»ie 

o 

£ &< how noble, kind (and here bothl © £ 
^g ladies [was,^? 1 

£ ^ deed, or dress ! How good he 2 « 

eel 1 2 lg*J 

o .» 1 rC Hoi 

© a tea f 

« © — t; — ; — ; — ; : r; rr I >> 2 



till 



^ 



£|no will but hers, in thought, tarf* 
£> £ J word, [knew £ ^j 



-NEW VORKjlF p 



g g (told how Mr. S. — dear creature !- 




iyM_ij j © O 



Then Mrs. Smith gave good advice, f3 S 



and 



[he?" L 
to be immured with such a man as IS £ 



(i 



£ J (to fancy such as she, Would e'er sub- 1 |f rt I 
g<« mit [presumed •£ ,§ 

8 ^[ bawlout, And "wish to know if he ; m g 1 

0,0 r i © © 

a, © (So changed since Mrs. S.'s ball, thatH § 

£ £ often she'd [him about,! o ■', 

* For Mrs. G. has such a way of orderingp w 



T HE REPEAL. 



Vert Explicit. 
— A Yankee riding 
up to a Dutchman, 
exclaimed, " Well, 
stranger, for ac- 
quaintance sake, 
what might be your 
name ?" " Vy, my 
name is Haunch 
Hollenhoffenehif- 
fenhoffengradefc- 
steiner !" ** 2J J 
Cape Cod, if that 
aint as long as a 
pumpkin vine. 
Well, I han't no 
time to lose ; I'm on 
a speculation. . Tell 
me the way to Har- 
risburgh." "To 
Harrisburgh. Veil, 
you see dat roat 
pon de hill ?" point- 
ing in the direction. 
" Oh, yes, I see it." 
" Veil, den, you 
must not take dat 
roat. You see dis 
roat by the coal- 
bank ?" "Yes ." 
"Well, dat is not 
the roat, too ; but 
you must go 
straight py de parn dere, and ven you see von roat crooks just so" — bending 
his elbows, and describing it at the same time, — "and ven you get dere, 
keep right along till you gits furder. Veil, den, you will turn de potato 
path round the pridge over the river up stream, and de hill up, and directly 
you see mone prodder Fitz's parn, shingled mit straw, dat's the house where 
mone prodder lives. He'l tell you so petter as I can. And you go a little 
pit furder, you see two roats ; you mus'ht not take bote of 'em." The 
Yankee rode off at the top of his speed. 




Sometimer a slip of the tongue will cause the best 
of friends to fall out. 




The fellow whose mother weaned him 
Look out for Bam when ) on Salt Fish, consequently he's always 
you see this Sigr^^i ' dry. 

There is a boy in Canal street with a face so dirty, that his father uses 
him for Sand-paper. 



Ilk. 



When the old Coon up the tree saw Col Crocket taking aim, ho hailed 
him, "if that's you Crocket don't lire, I'll come down, it's no use trying to 
dodge your shot ;" and as Crockett was to the varmint, so is my friend Gen'us 
Scott the Angling Sportsmen of Broadway to the Pis- 
catorial tribe, though not exactly a King-fisher he is the 
Emperor of the Waltonians, who so learned in Rods 
and Reels, Baits and Hooks, and all the minutia of that 
most delightful of all Sporting: every lake and stream 
that shelters the finny is known to him and those he 
don't know, aint worth knowing. He rightly consid- 
ers that all the living streams were originated for the 
amusement of himself and fellow sportsmen, and that 
it would be fiat burglary not to avail himself of the 
chances. - Swiart as Pickerel, lively as a Trout, he 
is any thing but a Cod or a Flat fish. 





LAUGHING F A M I L Y . 

\ .k above are cokrkct likenesses op a family after reading tbi 

Shilling's Worth of Fun. 



A GOOD HINT FOR A YOUTH. 

An old chap in Connecticut, who was one of the most niggardly men known 
in that part «rf the country, carried on the blacksmithing business very exten- 
sively; and, as is generally the case in that state, boarded all his own hands. 
And to show how much he envied the men what they ate, he would have a 
bowl of bean soup dished up for himself to cool, while that for the hands was 
set before them boiling hot. One of the boys was rather unlucky among the 
hot irons, frequently burning his fingers. The old man scolded him severely 
one day, for being so careless. 

" How can I tell,-" said the boy, " if they are hot, unless they are red?" 

" Never touch anything again till you spit on it; if it don't hiss, it won't 
burn." 

In a day or two, the old man sent the boy to see if his soup was cool. The 
boy went in — spit in the bowl : of course, the soup did not hiss. He went 
back and told the boss all was right. 

" Dinner!" cried he. 

All hands run; down sat the old man at the head of the table; and in went 
a large spoonful of the boiling hot soup to his mouth. 

"Good Heavens!" cried the old man, in the greatest rage. " What did 
you tell me that lie for, you young rascal ?" 

" I did not lie," said the boy, very innocently. " You told me I should 
spit on anything to try if it was hot. I spit in your bowl, and the soup did 
not hiss, so I supposed it was cool." 

A young lad recently ran away from home and went to a tavern, where he 
was found by a friend, with a cigar in his mouth. " What made you leave 
home?" said the friend. " 0," said he, " father and mother were so saucy 
that I could'nt stand it — so I quit 'em." 



11 Did you know," said a cunning Yankee to a Jew, " that they hang Jews 
and jackasses together in Portland ?" 
" Indeed ! then it is well that you and I are not there," retorted the Jew. 

Advocate (fiercely)—" Upon your oath, sir, will you iwear that this ia not 
your hand-writing?" 
Witness (coolly)—" I will, sir, for I can't write." 




HUNTING THE 
Hans Van Underdonk, being an amateur Sp*rtsrnan, thought he would 
like to take a hunt one fine day in the fall, and fearing he might lose his 
dog, he tied him to the flap of his pants. They had not proceeded far in 
the fields, when Towser espied a Hare, and made a spring for him ; and 
in doing so, the certain part of his unmentionables gave way — his gun 
went off the same time with the dog. " Mine got !" exclaimed Hans, 
" mine gun runs off mit mine tog, and te Hare runs off mit mine flap, 
all te whiles." ' 

The AnT or Balancing. — An exceedingly "fast" young gentleman, 
after running through a fortune, was induced to become a clerk in a pub- 
lic office. The dull routine of his duties, however, interfered too much 
with the allurements of society to be long agreeable, and the salary was 
small. He had made up his mind to resign, when the chief of the de- 
partment to which he belonged took occasion to task him severely for his 
general negligence, and contempt for all the rules of the office. The su- 
perfine clerk was indignant. He did not care a rap for the paltry berth 
— the salary scarcely found him in cigars and gloves " Very well," 
said the precise principal ; " it will be my painful duty to supersede you. 

As soon, therefore, as you have balanced your books " '•' Balance, be 

hanged !" was the interruption. " I never learnt conjuring. If you 
want the books balanced, send for Ramo Samee ; he'll balance them for 
you — on his chin, if you ask him." 



Hobson'b Choice. — «* Gentlemen and ladies," said the Newport mas- 
ter of the ceremonies, introducing a lovely woman into the ball-room, 
*• this is Mrs. Hobson. I have often heard of Hobson's choice, but never 
had the pleasure to view it until now, and you must coincide with me 
that it reflects credit on his taste." 



Mm 



M 




INTRODUCTION TO THE COMIC. 

44 Massey sakes alive," cried aunt Debby, u what on airth are a'i '.hoae 
people tearing that bill all to bits for?" Why I will tell you : — 

Old Comic Elton has just announced, his Comic for 1854 is out. and the 1 
people are so anxious to read the fun. they have not patience enough to j 
wait until the others read it. so they are all determined to have a piece of is % 
at all hazards, and no wonder, for every piece of the Almanac contains fu* | 
enough to keep one laughing for an hour at least; and no wonder, for we ? 
have laid in a new stock of Mirth, and will distribute it cheerfully to our \ 
funny patrons while they have lif* to enjoy it. 

14 For care to our coffin adds a nail, uo doubt, 
And every grin so mei ry draws one out." 

And if our patrons are so unfortunate as not to have food for the stoinach, 
that is no reason why they should not have food for the mind; and we girt' 
you the right kind, that is sure to drive away spleen, and make you forget 
the cares of life during the rest of your days. 

We will leave you now in order that you may skim over the surface l ; ke a 
swallow, or plunge in like a goose, and float away on the tide of life. 



KISSING BY RULE 

I find there are only three " regular" Kisses, (properly so called,) and 

these are denominated 
The Kiss Negative, 
The Kiss Positive, and 
The Kiss Superlative. 

The first (or negative,) consists in kissing a lady's hand. The second (or 
positive^ consists in kissing her cheek. And the third (or superlative,) con- 
sists in kissing her lips. 

There are besides, two " auxiliary" Kisses. 

The first is the kiss passive ; such as is inflicted by old maiden aunts : 
And the second is Ihe kiss active, in use (principally) on the clandestine 
road, per gilamantie >;ovelli sposi. 

The first (the kiss 
passive) is generally 
declined by the kis- 
see, whilst the latter 
(the kiss active) gov- 
erns both kissee and 
kisser in number as 
well as gender. 

Independent of the 
preceding, " regu- 
lar" and " auxilia- 
ry" kisses, there *are 
a few supernumerary 
(or irregular) such 
as 

The incidental, or 
Stage Kiss, 

The petty larceny, 
or Stolen Kiss, 

The mutual , or Re- 
ciprocity Kiss, 

The cooing Kiss, or 
Kiss a la tourterelle, 
The honey-moon 
Kiss, (invariably en- 
cored,) 

The mute, or Sigh- 
ing kiss, 

The echo, or Per 
cussion Kiss; and 

The barley-sugar 
Kiss, or Kiss en ] a- 
pillotte. The latter, by the way, is very rarely committed during the sea- 
son of adolescence or mullebriety, being tolerated chiefly by nursery misses, 
! and exceedingly young ladies who have not quite " outgrown their bibs." 

CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE. 

A lady and gentleman travelling in a rail road car to Harlem, previous 
to their entering the tunnel at Yorkville, a piece of court-plaster was ob- 
served on the lady's lips, after the car had passed out, the court-plaster was 
on the gentleman's mouth. 




I You look rather flat, i*s the Tea-kettle said to the pancake. I would 
take that as an insult, said the pancake, but I am aware that you have. 
i been steaming it. 




A crowd at a tavern was busy discussing what animal of all others was 
most contrary ; some held that a mule was, some a hog, some a yoke of 
oxen, A Dutchman, who had very gravely listened to the conversation, 
gave in his experience. Te mule, de hog, and te ox, is all very stubborn ; 
but te hen is te stubbornest animal in te worlt. I had von vot wanted to 
hatch some eggs. I make von fine little nest, and put him in it, and she 
gets up and runs avay. I den makes another leetle nest, and puts her on 
it, and her runs avay again ; I makes one nice leetle box. and puts it all 
over te hen, and for all de trouble mit I have, ven I peeped under de leetle 
box te tarn heu was setten standin ! 

Two loafers met upon the warf the other day, and passed the " compli- 
ments of the season." " Jim," said one, " have you seen Hall? he's looking 
for you." ''Hall! what Hall?" was Jim's reply. "Why, Alco-hall you 
r ool." "< Pshaw," responded Jim, " that's a poor sell, and you wouldn't 
have caught me if I hadn't been hurt last night when John tripped me up." 
" John who?" said Bill. " Demi-john, you numskull." 



A little girl had been taught by a Sunday School Teacher, that God made 
man out of the dust of the earth. The inculcation of this Bible doctrine, : 
| seems to have given her mind rather a practical turn, and big with the idea, 
i she addressed her mother on her return from Sabbath School — 

" Ma, has God any more dust left ?" 

" Why, my daughter — why do you ask such a question?" 

" Because, if he has, I want him to make me a little brother! " 



" I've three cents left," said a loafer, " so I'll buy a paper with it." 
" What paper will you buy?" said a friend, curious to learn the literary 
taste of bis acquaintance. 

" A paper of tobacco," replied the loafer. 




/ i 



To Snuff. To Smoke. 



Equine Bones. — A Yankee tin peddler, having fixed his wagon in a 
stable noted for the reception of horses as lean as Pharaoh's cows, walked 
from stem to stern, and discovered the bones on the horses' hips project- 
ing like so many small pyramids. " Mr. Landlord," said he, "do you; 
make horses here?" "Make horses here!" said the surly Dutchman;; 
"what do you mean?" "Why, I thought as how you had just been 
setting up the frames." 



A Litter of Yellow Pigs. — An ingenious gentleman, who had the 
marvellous gift of shaping a great many things out of an orange-peel, was, 
displaying his abilities at a dinner-party before Theo. Hook and Mr. Thos. j 
Hill, and succeeded in counterfeiting a pig to the admiration of the com-; 
pany. Mr. Hill tried the same feat ; and after destroying and strewing 
the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up, with the exclamation, 
"Hang the pig! I can't make him." "Nay, Hill," exclaimed Hook, 
glancing at the mess on the table, " you have done more 5 instead of one 
pig, you have made a litter." 




UT THROATS.— Those uncomfortable stiff collars in 
which fashion imprisons men's necks, 
are called by the Germans, vater-mor- 
dern (father murderers) from a legend 
of a student who returned from his 
University with such a stiff pair, that, 
on embracing his governor, they cut 
the old gentleman's throat. 



LOVE WORKS WONDERS. 

A lady having written, folded, and J 

sealed a billet-doux, tripped away to 

the post-office at Baltimore. Her mindi 

being engrossed in imagining the de-| 

light the fond object she had addressed 1 

rrould experience in .receiving her communication, caused her to make a 1 

slight mistake; she dropped the letter unconsciously on the foot-path, and 

posted herself! nor did she discover her error until the post-master asked,; 

jWhin about to stamp her, whether she was double or single! | 



The American Militia. 




i. ■_ il i.i .^i .. .■■nr... irr ■■ .1 IH^^Wy 

In time of Peace prepare for War." 

The militia ii the 
hone and grizcle of, 
the country. 1 1 ! 
locks, bolts, and 
bars the gates of 
creation and stands 
sentinel on the tall- 
est ramparts of na- 
ture's dominions. — 
This republic would 
be a miserable con- 
sarn, but for the 
militia. It keeps 
the ardent sperrits 
of military efful- 
gence in a glow of 
Icelandic ferveros- 
ity. I'm attached 
to it myself. I 
think it's rich. The 
system can't be 
bettered. Folks call 
it a farce. I don't 
see nothing. It's a 
plaguy solemn piece 
of buzziness when 
you come to back 
j down to the naked reality on't. 'Taint every body that can put on the regi- 
j mentalities, and look like old Mars, the god of War, with a decided touch of 
Julius Junius Ceazeher thrown in for effect. No, Sir-ee ; 
there an't no bigger or more important critter afloat 
than a live militia ossifer, all rigged in the full canton- 
ments of glory, with stripes on his breachelons, epeletts 
piled upon both shoulders, brass buttons from head tew 
foot, silver stars shining in the tails of his coat, a cap 
and plume on his head, and a drawn sword in his hand. 
Such a site is enuff to make fallen man and w.oman think 
better of his specie ! ; Tis, indeed ! I believe the prelug- 
cent delurium of this destined republic is centered in 
the militia. It can't stand without it. With it, its proud 
motto is, Divided we stand, united we fall ! (Loud 
cheers.) Stop cheering ! you put me all out. General 
Washington belonged to the militia ; so did Sipio Afri- 
caners : so did Boneypart ; so did that old Wizzigon, 
that ravished all Europe, and burnt its fences and stone 
walls ; and so, also sodgers, do I! I believe if all out- 
doors should burst through the parafornalie of the ani- 
mal economy, and slide down the greased planks of an- 
cestral delinquency ker-slump into the broad Savannars 
of this smilin' land of asses' milk and untamed honey, 
that nothing astir could poot 'em out but the militia ! 
That ar' a fact. Three cheers for the militia in general, 
and the 9999th regiment in pertickler. Sodgers ! ground 
arms ! Who's afraid ? What's Mexico, Kaliforniko, and 
Origon ? Who's afraid of them ? Sodgers, the mortal 
9990 ih can thrash the life out of that ar' yallar half 
i Spanish varmint, that Mexico, afore breakfast. Our motto is, Liberty and 
I death, now and for eve? , one and inseverable ! Wooray for Mexas! Down 
iwith Texico . Now let's liquor ! 



i if 





Mrs. Smith, — " Is Mrs. Brown in ?" 
Jane. — " No, Mem ; she's not at Home." 
Little Girl. — " Oh ! what a Horrid Story, Jane ! 
iitchen, helping Cook !" 



Mar's in the 



THE BEGINNING AND THE END. 

" I wish you would give me that gold ring on your finger," said a 
village dandy to a country girl, "for it resembles the duration of my 
M>ve for you — it has no end." "Excuse me, sir." said she; " I choose 
•o keep it, for it is likewise emblematical of mine for you — it has no 
Iseginning." 

SHOOTING MADE EASY. 

Two passengers coming down the Mississippi in a steamboat, were amusing 
themselves with shooting birds on shore from the deck. Some sporting con- 
verse ensued. One remarked that he would turn his back to no man in 
killing raccoons— that he had repeatedly shot fifty a-day. " "What o' that," 
said a Kentuckian. " I make nothing of killing a hundred 'coon a day, 
or'nary luck." " Do you know Captain Scott of our state ?" asked a 
Tennessean bystander ; "he now is something like a shot. A hundred 
'coon! why ho never pints at one without hitting him. He never missas, 
and the 'coons know it. T'other day he leveled at an old 'un in a high 
tree ; the varmint looked at him a minute, and then bawled out, ' Halloo. 
Oap'n Scott ! is that you ?' ' Yes,' wns the reply. ' Well, pray don't shoot, 
I'll come down to you — I'll give in — I'm dead beat.' " 



THE CHARITY BALL. 

K* -ing purchased a ticket for a Charity Ball, you are deluded by th*> 
promise of a pretty Partner to waltz, and are victimized as above. 





Flowers of Spring. 



JRIGHTFUL DEPRAVITY. 

A wild young gentleman having mar- 
ried a very discreet, virtuous, young 
lady, the better to reclaim him, she 
caused it to be given out at his return, 
that she was dead, and had been buried. 
En the meantime she bad so placed her- 
self in disguise so as to be able to observe 
how he took the news; and finding him 
still the gay, inconstant man he always 
had been, she appeared to him as the 
ghost of herself, at which he seemed not 
at all dismayed; at length, disclosing 
herself to him, he then appeared pretty 
much surprised. A person by said, 
" Why, sir,, you seem more afraid now 
than before!''' "Aye," replied he, "most 
men are more afraid of a living wife than 
of a dead one." 



CROOKED WORDS. 

A poor man who had a termagant 
wife, after a long dispute, in which she 
I was resolved to have the last word, told 
her. " If she spoke one more crooked 
word, he'd beat her brains out." " Why 
then, ram's-horns, you rogue," said she, 
*> if I die for it." 



A RUINED BOOT. 

A gentleman whose misfortune 
it was to have a club-foot, which 
rendered him lame, was walking 
through a street in a small town, 
when he met with one of those 
harmless idiots of whom there la 
at least one is. every town or vil 
lage. The gait of the gentleman 
f attracted the sympathizing no- 
tice of the natural, who slopped 
and said, ; - Ye're lame, I think." 
" Aye," replied the gentleman, 
" very lame." " Ah, man," says 
the poor fool, " that's a pity — it 
spoils the boot!" 

TO SAVE BUTTER. 

Make it so salt that nobody 
can eat it. 

Ammeiuent 




For Summer Nights. 



RING-ING A BELL. 




What is it, besides little boys, that ought to be seen and net heard ? 

Policemen. 
Why is the poorest inhabitant of the Metropolis comparatively rich ? 

Because, he is a Capitalist. 
Why are the much abused Peter Funk's all godly men ? 

Because, -whenever they meet a stranger, they always take him in. 




TWO SUCKERS. 

iT' »ii n >i ri iii j~"T i i~r ii i. h i wljuTm 



A short time since, we received 
an order for "2 3 am bux." We 
puzzled our brains some time 
without understanding the mean- 
ing thereof, and returned it for 
an explanation. The writer was 
very much astonished that it 
could not be understood. 

"Why," said he, "it is *l 
plain as day ; 2 s am, psalm, 
b m x, books." This explained 
the mystery 



CONSOLATION. 



.fis^O 




1 



Patient — " Do dear doctor, give me some advice as soon as you pow 
Uy OHn. 1 * 

Doctor. — " Why, what is the nature of the complaint ?" 
Patent — " Doctor, I really believe I have swallowed a mouse." 
Doctor. — " Then my friend, you had better swallow a cat, and that will 
catch the mouse." 
fto wtrubt our readers will admit that such advic© is very good at a pinch. 




% 



Th«*e is a story about a scythe so sharp, that when hung upon a limt 
of an apple tree in the sun, a man's foot was cut off by its shadow ! 
Fact — and now the world may know what Shakespeare meant by bis 
"shadows to-night," whieh struck such terror to the "soul of Richard.'" 
Deidrick Knickerbocker tells us, that a glance of the sun's rays from the 
luminous proboscis of Governor Stuyvesant's trumpeter, once killed a 
mighty sturgeon in the Hudson, and this is quite as probable, — none, we 
presume, will doubt the fact. 






MATRIMONIAL ANECDOTE. 

The Rev. Mr. G , a respectable cleryman in the interior of the state, 

relates the following anecdote : — 

A couple came to him to be married, and after the knot was tied, the 
Bridegroom addressed him with — " How much you ax, Mister ?" 

vViiy," replied the clergyman, " I generally take whatever is offered 
me Sometimes more au^ sometimes less — I leave it to the bridegroom." 

' Fes, but how much do you ^.z I say ?" repeated the happy man. 

** I have just said," returned the clergyman, «f that I left it to the de- 
cision of the bridegroom ; some give me ten dollars, some five, some three, 
some two, some one, and some only a quarter of a one " 

" A quarter, ha ?" said the bridegroom ; " wal, that's as reasonable as a 
body could ax. Let me see, I've got the money." He took out his pocket- 
UO ok — there was no money there ; he fumbled in all his pockets, Cut not a 
sixpence could he find. " Dang it," said he, " I thought I had some money 
with me, but I recollect now 'twas in my 'tother trowsers pocket. Hetty. 
have ye not got sich a thing as two shillings about ye ?" 

" Me !" said the bride, with a mixture of shame and indignation ; " I'm 
astonished at ye, to come here to be married without a cent of money to pay 
for it ! If I'd known it afore, I would'nt a come a step wid ye ; you might 
have gone alone to be married for all me." 

" Yes, but consider, Hetty," said the bridegroom, in a soothing tone, 
'« we're married now, and it can't be helped ; if you've got sich a thing as 
a couple of shillings." 

" Here, take 'em," interrupted the angry bride, who, during this speech, 
had been searching in her work-bag ; " and don't you," said she, with 
a significant motion of her finger, " don't you never serve me another 
sich a trick." 

JENNY LIND AND THE STUDENTS. 

At a certain German town, there was a tremendous furor about Jenny 
Lind, who, after driving the whole place mad, left it on her travels early 
one morning. The moment her carriage was outside the gates, a pack of 
rampant students, who had escorted it, rushed back to the inn, demanded 
to be shown Jenny's bed-room, and swept like a whirlwind up stairs into 
the room indicated to them, tore up the sheets, and wore them in strips 
as decorations. An hour or two afterwards, a bald old gentleman of 
amiable appearance, an Englishman, who was staying in the hotel, came 
to breakfast at the table a" hote, and was observed to be much disturbed 
in his mind, and to show great terror whenever a student came near him. 
At last he said, in a low voice, to some who came near him at table, 
" You are English, gentlemen, I observe ? Most extraordinary people, 
these German students ; as a body, raving mad, gentlemen." - 1 Oh no," 
said somebody; " only excitable, but very good fellows, and very sensi- 
ble." "By heavens sir!" returned the old gentleman, still more dig- 
turbed, " then there's something political in it, and I am a marked man. 
I 1 went out for a little walk this morning, after shaving, and while I was 
gone" — he fell into a terrible perspiration as he told it — " they burst into 
my bed-room, tore up my sheets, and are now patrolling the town in all 
directions with bits of 'em in their button-holes." In the confusion the 
students had gone in the wrong room. 



Three Fish for Dinner. — " Now, waiter, what's to pay ?" "What 
have you had, sir ?" *.« Three fish." " Only brought up two, sir." " No, 
three ; I had two mackerel and one smelt:'' 



When does a Judge contemplate employing rogues? When he takes 
them on trial. 




THE PLAIN COOK. 
Mind, young woman, I don't allow any Beaux or Cousins 



SONG OF THE MAID-OF-ALL-WORK 

An active maid-of-all-work I, 

Accustom'd wooden floors to scrub, 
Can roast a joint or make a pie, 

Have no objection to the tub ; 
Am of a sentimental turn, 

Detest the busy heartless crowd. 
The tales of love I proudly spurn, 

And wish " no followers allow'd.'* 

For honey'd words I do not care, 

They throw no magic spell around me, 
But for propriety so rare 

My tea and sugar must be found me : 
Of love I never felt the flame, 

To say it I may well be proud, 
The candle ends I always claim, 

When I've " no followers allow'd.** 

Gadding out with Beaux to treat, 

No missus e'er will find me tripping, 
Unto myself I always keep, 

I, by-the-by, expect the dripping : 
I've often turn'd in sewn aside 

When milkmen have affection vow'd, 
And I have said with honest pride 

" There ar*nt no followers allow'd.'* 



Tiii .1 r *n 




One Swallow don't make a Spring, nor does a large moustache and a 
slouched hat make a Kossuth, if it did, it would make beggars of us all 



A buclc, while being measured for a pair of boots, observed :— " Make 
them cover the calf." " Heavens !" exclaimed the astounded shoemaker, 
surveying his customer from head to foot. " I have not leather enough." 




Ellen. — " Oh, don't tease me to-day, Charley ; I'm not at all Well !?' , 
Charley. — (a Man of the World.) — " I tell you What it is, Cousin — 
the fact is, You are in Love ! Now, You take the Advice of a Fellow who 
has seen a good Deal of that Sort of Thing, and don't give Way to it !" 



I've done the same thing often. — A Mr. John Smith, who is de- 
scribed, evidently not without reason, as a "fast" talker, gave the fol- 
lowing description of the blowing up of a steamboat on the Mississippi, 
which is recorded in a New York paper of recent date : — "I had landed 
at Helena for a minute to drop some letters into the Post-office, when all 
of a sudden I heard a tremendous explosion, and looking up saw that the 
sky was for a minute darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and 
scraps of my fellow travelers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley I 
spied the second clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own 
level. I recognized bim at once, for ten minutes before I had been suck- 
ing a sherry-cobbler -snth him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched 
him. He came dowr» through the roof of a shoemaker'^) shop, and landed 
on the floor close by the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being 
in a hurry, jumped vp to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when 
the ' man of wax' demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done 
to his roof. ' Too Mgh,' replied the clerk : ' never paid more than two 
hundred and fifty dollars in my life, and I've done the same tiling 
often.' " * 

Non-Tntervemtion. — A principle that cannot be too strongly recom- 
mended in all matrimonial wars. 




STILL HARPIJVG OJY MY DAUGHTER. 



LOVE AND MUSIC. 

I If Music were the food of Love, as it is said to be, every prudent person 
i would marry for love, though it is not easy to imagine ourselves eating 

with our ears; nor can one, without some difficulty, fancy one's aelf break fast- 
■ing off an overture, lunching on a bnllad. dining on a symphony, and 

taking tea, or supping off a polka or a fugue. Most of us would also think 
;it very odd if we were asked whether we should like a few crotchets tor 
', dinner. 



CHILD'S DISSOLVING VIEWS. 

Tif \t rubbing his cheeks with the cat's tail will promote the 
whiskers. 

That pigeon's milk is a marketable commodity. 
That strap- Jl is good for sharpening penknives. 
That School is the happiest time of his life. 



rth of 



THE ADVENTURES OF MR. GOLIAH STARVEMOUSE 




Mr. Goliah Starvemouse being a wide-awake kind of an individual, and 
being always anxious to make an honest penny, and having a desire to 
reinforce his empty pockets, and having learned that there is money to 
be made in other diggings than California, starts on a journey as a mis- 
sionary to the Cannibal Islands. His first Sermon and Stump Speech to 
the Chiefs Blow-my-nose-off-do, Shut-your-eye-open-tight, and Break-all- 
your bones-oh. He inflates them with the spirit divine, and spirit of 
wine and invites them to Gotham. 




The Chiefs hold a Council and argue the point, whether to swallow his 
Sermon, or to swallow him ; they conclude on the latter mode of disposing 
of him. Goliah being a very spare man, they make up their minds to 
put him in eating order. 



«Us 




He is consequently fattened up, and done brown, as they say at 
bweeny's, turned over. 




The Chiefs having partaken of their sumptuous feast, tney discuss ns 
to the manner of disposing of his -wardrobe. 



Naval Tactics. — A captain of the navy, one of the old school, being 
at a ball, had been accepted by a beautiful partner, a lady of fortune, | 
who, in the most delicate manner possible, hinted to him the propriety of ' 
putting on a pair of gloves. "Oh!" was the elegant reply: "never 
mind me, ma'am : I shall wash my hands when I've done dancing." 




The Chief Blow-my-nose-off-do, who superintended the cooking de- 
partment, conceives an idea that he should rule the roast in this affair, 
takes the responsibility, and clothes himself in full power to wear 
the togs. 



Memory. — A country clergyman meeting a neighbor who never came 
to church, although an old fellow of above sixty, he gave him some re- 
proof on that account, and asked him if he never read at home ? " No," 
replied the countryman, " I can't read." " I dare say," said the par- 
son, " you don't know who made you." " Not I," said the countryman. 
A little boy coming by at the same time, " Who made you, child ?" said 
the parson. The boy answered correctly. " Why, look you there," 
c|ioth the honest clergyman; " are not you ashamed to hear a child of 
five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are so old a 
I man, cannot ?" " Ah !" said the countryman, " it is no wonder that 
j he should remember — he was made but t'other day ; it is a great while, 
i master, sin' I w»>a made." 



A Yankee Preacher on Predestination. — Let us, for argument's 
sake, grant that I, the Rev. Elder Sprightly, am foreordained to be drown- 
ed in the river at Smith's ferry, next Thursday morning, at twenty min- 
utes after ten o'clock ; and suppose I know it ; and suppose I am a free, 
moral, voluntary, accountable agent — do you think I am going to be 
drowned? I should rather guess not ! I should stay at home ; and you'll 
never ketch the Rev. Elder Sprightly at Smith's ferry, no how — nor near 
the river neither. 




NORTH AND SOUTH, OR FREEDOM AND SLAVERY. 

The Frenchman and the Bank. — Vat you say. sare ? Vill you read, sare 1 
Vis dis not ten dollars yours, sare. Vill you not pay de Fargent, sare — de 
silvare, de gold, de coppare ?" " We have suspended, sir, and do not redeem 
our notes in coin." " Suspende ! what dat, hang by the neck like one dam I 
thieving dog ? Oh, no, sare, you deceive me, sare. By Gar, I vill shoot you 
mit de pistole, de gun, de cannon, sare — eh ? Vill you pay de Fargent ?" 
" No, Mr. Trompe, we cannot redeem the note now, but will when other banks 
pay theirs." " Ven de other banks pay deirs, sare ? By Gar, de oder banque 
say de same, sare. Ven you pay yours, sare. Mon Dieu, mon Dieu, de la 
j monie — de silvare, gold, coppare, Fargent, sare. I will be revenge, sare. 
Look here : I tear the dam billet note in little piece — I spit on him — I chew 
him — you lose your dam note, sare — I am revenge — I am revenge — am, by 
Gar, revenge. So saying, the Frenchman walked out of the bank with 
the imperial air of a Napoleon. 



I What a Dutchman thought about it. 
it ke»:ps a man tam poor f 



" Honesty is the best policy, put den 




One that knows, and has been a sufferer, has given to the world a pamphlet 
entitled «' A Peep into Catherine Street ; or, Dry Good Dealers and Shopping 
Ladies shown up, and all the Secrets of the Trade' exposed.'' We heartily recom 
mend its perusal to our female admirers, and that includes all Petticoatdom. The 
shaving, cheating and humbugging of the trade on the one hand, and the care- 
less indifference of their customers on the other is fairly matched. The motto of 
the work is, 

" Doubtless the pleasure is as great of being cheated as to cYieat." 

A certain class of Females, we cannot call them Ladies, are handled without 
| mittens, and if all parties will get the work and carefully peruse it, they will de- 
rive both instruction and amusement. For the benefit of our country cousins 
we would remark that an order, per post, enclosing one Dime, will cause the 
work to be forwarded to them, if sent to our publisher, ^x 

90 Nassau Street. A^fift* C§1 

Schoolmistress. — "You see, my love, if I puncture this 
India-rubber ball, it will collapse. Do you understand ?" 

Child. — " O yes, I understand. — If you prick it, it will 
go squash.' 

A short man became at- 
tached to a very tall woman, 
uv.d somebody said that he 
had fallen in love with her. 
u Do you call it falling in 
love ?" said an old bachelor, 
M it is more like climbing up 
to it." 

| " A gintleman,'* said an 
Irishman one day, '• is one 
that never earned a ha'porth 
ifor himself or any one belong- 
ing to him." 





An Honor to his 
Mother. — " John," 
inquired a dominie 
of a hopeful pupil, 
" what is a nailer ?" 
" A man who makes 
nails," said John. 
"Very good. What 
is a tailor ?" " One 
who makes tails." 
" 0, you stupid fel- 
low," said the do- 
minie, biting his 
lips, " a man who 
makes tails?" 
" Yes, master," re* 
turned John, " if 
the tailor did not 
put tails to the 
coats he made, they 
would be all jack- 
ets .'" "Sit down, 
John, you're an 
honor to your ma- 
ternal parent." 



Illustrated with Cuts, as the Boy said when he drew 
a Jack-knife across his Grammar. 



An Out-side 

Passenger.— A. man 
with a tremendous 
long mouth went to 
a dentist to' have a 
tooth extracted. 
That he need not 



On opening his ponderous jaws the Doctor remarked — ' 

do it so wide as he prefered standing on the outside to perform the operation." 



" Maybe smoking is offensive to 
I some of you," said an inveterate 
! smoker as he entered one of the 
'■ ferry-boats. " Yes, yes," immedi- 
i ately responded a dozen voices. 
" Well," said the enquirer, immedi- 
ately placing his segar in his mouth 
and puffing away for dear life " "lis 
to some folks." 



A Hit. — " My father is richer than 
yours," said a boy to his companion 
the other day. 

" How do you know ?" was the 
reply. 

" Because my father says, your 
father pays for everything when he 
buys it, while my father never pays 
anybody, but keeps his money to 
shave notes with." 




Ice Cream by Steam, as they say in Chatham street. 

I scream by Steam, as the Whistle said to the Locomotive. 



IF YOU SPEAK TO MY WIFE I'LL KNOCK YOU DOWN. 




JONES, SMITH AND ROBINSON GOES TO A BALL 

" This drawing represents Mr. Jones at the moment when he was unde- 
cided as to which of that row he would ask to dance. 




Is discovered by the mother of Miss Verbenia, who thinks him a very 
nice young man. 




Is introduced to Miss Verbenia 
and dances many quadrilles, pol- 
kas, &c. 



IM a 

ill! tieu 




Robinson beholds Jones polking, 
and oh ! how he wishes he had the 
courage to do it. 



he being very much fa- 
gued, Jones sets with her 
upon the stairs, because the 
coolness is so delicious — 
Jones is entirely carried a- 
way ! he never met such a 
lady in his life. Thoughts 
of future happiness flirted 
through his brain ; he thinks 
52 Miss Verbenia reciprocates 
his feeling. 




_*^- 



Robinson is here seen, not only amusing himself, but causing amurfe- i 

ment for others. He cuts so many pigeon-wings, and makes so many j 

beautiful attitudes, that the ladies all admire him, and the gentlemen | 

are a little jealous, but think it best to ridicule him ; he (Robinson) sees i 
no one but himself. 




Frantic behavior of Robinson after the eighth quadrille; .he rushes 
into the saloon, gets over the heads of the people and dives head first into 
the Ice-Cream Can. 




Poor Jones, after all his happy thoughts, has the partner of his affec- 
tions carried off by a Heavy Dragoon ; he (Jones) hates the world from that 
moment, and thinks of the best mode of ending his miserable existence. 
Hanging, shooting and drowning, come to his mind, but are all rejected 
for the more easy one of starving; he thinks again, and concludes there is 
as good fish in the sea as ever was caught, and resolves to go to supper 




Jones is here seen at supper ; he indulges very freely in all the good 
things, particularly the champaign, and makes some remarks not very 
complimentary to tee Dragoon, which some kind friend oi Jcnes thinks 
it his duty to mf-jim the Dragoon. 




The Heavy Dragoon finds Jones in a very bad condition, and intimates 
he will have satisfaction, at which Jones gets somewhat frightened ; the 
Dragoon takes him by the coat collar and shakes an apology out of him. 
He goes home and resolves to remain a bachelor all his life. Smith 
went home early. 



Graduated Justice. — In a certain village, in Pennsylvania, where 
the footsteps of Dame Justice were last seen on the earth, on a warm 
summer's day, three men were brought before a fair, round Dutch Magis- 
trate, accused of the crime of drunkenness. His honor having premised 
with a hearty swig of cool punch, began with the first -- 

" You rascal ! pe you kilty, or pe you not kilty 1" 

Prisoner. " Guilty." 

Justice. " Vat you get trunk on ?" 

Pris. " Blackstrap." 

Jus " Vat ! you get trunk on notting but blackstrap, you willian, you ! 
Den, dis pe mine everlasting sentence, dat you pe fined 40 shillings." 

The second culprit being questioned in like manner, as to his guilt or 
innocence, likewise answered guilty. 

Jus. " Now tell me, you wile, drunken rascal ! vat you get trunk on ?*' 

P?is. "Sling." 

Jus. "Vat! you get trunk on sling, you graceless wagabone ! you 
Bwillin' sod, you ! Den I give my darnal sentence, dat you pe fined 
20 shillings." 

The third and last prisoner was now brought forward, and like the 
others, plead guilty. 

Jus. " Vat you get trunk on ?" 

Pris. " Punch." 

Jus. " Ah ! you dipplin' rogue, you ! I fines you shust notting at all, 
Tor I gets trunk on punch mineself, sometimes." 



One of the young ''school-marms," who recently went to Oregon, to en- 
gage m the duties of her vocation, thus writes to her friends at home : 

** A panther was killed last week, near my school-room, measuring seven 
feet from the tip of the ears to the extremity of the tail, and seven back 
again, making fourteen feet in all." Smart " School-marm" that. 




A SOUTHERN PLANTER. 



Candid . — 
" You've visited { 
my daughter a 
long time," said 
an anxious mo- 
ther, to a young 
gentleman of 
our acquaint- 
ance the other 
day, " what are 
your intentions, 
sir." 

" Honorable, 
entirely so," 
said the gentle- 
man, " I intend 
* backing out' as 
©oachmen say." 
" You do, do 
you ? backing 
out, ha ! and 
pray sir, what 




reason why Horses do not 



*' Met, do you know 
wear Hats ?" 
" JVb, my dear." 

" Because it would gwe them a Hoss-tile appearance." 
may be your reason for deceiving the poor girl in that way ?" 
" I have several," said our friend. 

" Well name one, if you can, you imp of Satan — you little-waisted, 
knocked-kneed, pale-faced, no whiskered dolt — you thing, you scrap you — " 
" Your daughter," said he, interrupting her, " don't wear her bustle right. 
1 1 have seen it one-sided. Her dress-maker tells me she is padded in a dozen 
places, and wears two pair of stays — her false teeth don't stay in well, and 
she puts castor oil on her wig. Madam, I can't stand such carelessness — 
i you'll let me off now, I reckon." 

The old woman did let him off, for in two minutes she and her daughter 
; were seen streaking it down street probably to tear out the eyes of the 
, dress-maker. 



A CHAGERASS JACKASS DEPOS- 
ITING A GOLD HUNTER IN 
A MORASS. 
" My hies is this the Pacific 




NEHEMIAH S OPINION OF THE 
GOLD FEVER. 

Welt. I swow, now, did you ever ? 

Gracious ! what on airth's tew pay ? 
All the folks are gittin' crazy, 

Sure as shootin' up our way. 
Dad from morn to night is dreamin' 

All about this yaller gold, 
Like a man that's lost his senses, 

(Lord ! the half 'haint yet been told.) 

You may ask him any question, 

On health, business, church or state, 
Gold 1 gold ! gold ! will be his answer, 

(Don't you ralely think its great ?) 
Granny sits and reads the papers 

With eyes big as sarsers tew, 
Swollering all the golden stories, 

Just as though 'twas sartin true. 
; Tother night she read about a 

Man who's in the "diggins" seen, 
Tradin' fifty thousand dollars, 

For a plate of pork and beans ! 
Jehu ! you'd a died a laughin', 

Jist to seen her stare at ma, 
Drop the paper she was holdin', 

And exclaim aloud; — "oh la " J 
Then there's Brother Ben goes strollin' 

All about the tarm so queer, 
Ri.3y you would think that somethin' 

Orful had been hap'nin' here. 
Hound he goes a sayin', somethin' 

To himself that can't be told, 
Thinkin every stun he meets with, 

Is a solid lump of gold ! 



Lord-a-massa, why will people 

Act so pesky strange and queer, 
'Cause they've found a little gold dust 

'Tother end of sundown near. 
O, it seems too tarnal foolish, 

For some forks to rave and tear 
All about this Galiforny, 

When they've gold at home to spar*. 
Gold in Californy's diggings ? 
. 'Spose they have Jiskivered some, 
Haint we got it all around us, 

Without going away from hum ? 
Turn these medders into diggins, 

Let the spade and pleow be seen, 
Goin' it like all creation,' 

Through the pastures fresh and green 
Till the sile ! Guy ! that's the ticket, 

Galiforny gold be darned, 
Let 'em oft' for them ar diggins, 

Who 'aint j >t true wisdom larn'd. 
Out into the fijlds of natur', 

Where the trees wave tew and fro, 
Where the little birds are sinjrin, 

All the pretty tunes they know 
Every hill of taturs planteu 

Won't each prove a golden mine? 
Every crop of wheat ye gather, 

All the gold dust far outshine ? 
Are ye raley all so verdant, 

That ye can't tell which is which ? 
'Aint there no place but them diggins, 

Where a body can get rich ? 
O it is a blasted pity 

Thus to throw one's self away, 
And I sometimes feel like weepin' 

When around the farm I stray. 
Dad 'aint no ways the same feller, 

That he used to be, I vow, 
And our Ben, oh Sancho Panzy ! 

You would'nt know him any how. 
Well, I 'spose 'taint no use cryin' 

Over spilt milk now-a-days, 
Folks will do just as they choose tew 

Never minding what one says. 
They may run to Californy, 

Crazy mortals, I don't kere, 
But they don't ketch me agoin', 

I can dig enoujrh up here. 




9* 



What the thunder- 
ation ! can be the 
matter with my pipe 
its always drawn 
well until now, its 
Ihein 'ere dod raddit 
young 'uns, they 
been making bub- 
bles and filled the 
eld pipe full of soap, 
any how I'll soap em 
for it, next time I 
catch hold of the 
blasted varmints, 
nothing goes good 
with me in these 
Choleric times, I've 
drank brandy 
enough to float a 
m' «eow, and yet 
s^ *c pw or other, 
my nead don't feel 
right by a long shot. 
There's Father Mat- 
hew, a jolly looking 
old cock, I'm half a 
mind to take the 
pledge. Wonder if 
he'd treat if I did. 





HARDLY NECESAEE. 

Be still you naughty 
childens ! pulling poor 
mommy's capens off her 
poor headens, if eu do- 
nens be stillens, I'll whip- 
ens youse little bottens 
for yousens, top now I tell- 
ens, if eu dosens I'll call 
the old black sweepens to 
take childen's offens ! 



An absent-minded gen- 
tleman, on retiring at 
night, put his dog to bed 
and kicked himself down 
stairs ! He did not dis- 
cover his mistake till he 
went to yelp, and the dog 
tried to snore 

" Good morning, neigh- 
bor Brooks ; a fine rain 
we have had." " Yes, 
neighbor, delightful." " If 
it comes warm after this, 
we shall have every thing 
starting out of the ground 
directly." " Heaven for- 
bid — I have two wives. 
under it." 




REVOLUTION IN EUROPE. 

Guns and "bludge- 
ons ! Smoke and thun- 
der! you ought to 
have Been how all the 
people riz for liberty ! 
it -was like the moun- 
tains rolling down 
till, or a hundred 
dogs a barking at a 
fisherman's wheelbar-' 
■ow ! There was -he 
tallest swearing that 
ever you heered a- 
mongst the sons of 
liberty, for the wsrld 
was beginning to be 
regenerated, and all 
them that had any 
thing in their mone\ 
bags was tarnally 
frightened. " Come 
on," says one bold 
commander — << Come 
on and die for the 
liberties of the peo- 
ple." Then I march- 
ed to the field to the 
tune of Marseilles, and 
carried off a copper- 
kettle, two bed quilts, 
and a new silk gown 



from the enemy. 

RAW. 

By gingo ! this ere is what they 
call the great city o' York. I'll 
own something here. I wonder how 
much they would ask me for about 
a dozen acres o'nt. 

" I say, husband, if you don't get 
rid of that nasty dog I'll leave the 
house. It's a perfect nuisance. Just 
you go and look at the dirt." 

" O, Sally, dear, I've sold Bully 
for ten dollars !" 

' You don't say so ! "Well, that's 
the best piece of news I've heard 
this many a day. But have you got 
your money ?" 

Oh yes! all right — I took two 
pups, at five dollars each !" 

A dandy is a chap that would 
Be a young lady, if he could ; 
But as he can't does all he can 
To show the world he's not a man. 




THE SPORTSMAN 
AT FAULT. 

Wall now this beats 
all natiir, if it don't, 
I'm blem'd. 

Git eout ! you all- 
fired darned imperent 
thing yon ! jist now as 
! I got a sight at yer, 
j and was ready to blow 
i yon inter tarnal smash, 
I you for come, for to 
go, to light on my 
shooting gun. Here 
you lazy varmint ! 
you Towze ! why in 
the name of thunder 
and darnation don't 
you bark at this ani- 
mal and make him go 
off a little farther, so as 
to let me have a shot 
at the reprobate. The 
dod rotted sarcy brute, 
yer like my aunt in 
the country, yer aint 
any great things. 

WAITING 




FOR THE STEAMER AT PANAMA. 




" Oh where ? and oh 
■where is my Steamer 
gone too " 

If this darned ocean 
warn't so Pacific, I'd 
kick up an all fired 
row, for I feel awful 
woolfish, here we boys 
have been waiting 
months to get convey- 
ance to California. 
Talk about gold pla- 
cers ! I reckon we've 
got placed in a placer 
where our gold slides 
away like snow in an 
April sun, and there'6 
poor Dick Rover, spent 
his last dollar, gambled i 
away his cover-me-de- 
centlies, don't he look 
doloreous, he aint jolly J j 
at all ! don't know how J 
well he's off, m this I 
warm climate, his ward -j 
robe would not stand II 
him to £0 a courting iri, ' I 
on Valentine's day in I 
York. No, Sir-ee. 







Old Gent. — " You see, my Dear, that the Earth turns on its own 
4xx8, and makes one Revolution round the Sun each Year." 

Young Revolver. — " Then, Pa, Does France turn on its own Axis 
when it makes its Revolutions ?" i 

Old Gent. — " No, my Dear, it turns on its Bayonets. However, 
that's not a Question in Astronomy." 



Fathers and Sons. — Theophilus Cibber begged his father one day to 
let him have a hundred dollars, which would make him perfectly easy in 
his affairs. " It is very strange," said Colley, " that you can't live 
upon your salary, your benefit, and other advantages. When I was of 
your age, I never spent any of my father's money." " Perhaps not," 
answered the son ; " but I am sure you have spent a great many hundred 
dollars of my father's money." 





Democratic. 



Aristocratic. 



Metaphysical. — Why is the inside of everything unintelligible? 
Beoause, we can't make it out. 




BAR ELOQUENCE. 

Gentlemen of the Jury, — You are met here on one of the most solemn 
occasions that ever happened since I have practised at the bar. The defend- 
ant, the gentleman with specks, being an able bodied man, rushed like an 
assassin upon my client, who is a frail young widow ; and why did not the 
Thunder of Heaven blast him when he stooped towards her, stretched forth 
his arms like the forked lightnings of, Jupiter, and gave her a kiss on the 
mouth. 



A husband and wife, traveling through the woods in haste, met with a mel- 
ancholy accident, which is recorded in the following felicitous strain : — 
And while retreating through the woods, 

And through the tangled fern, 
He tore his must-n't-mention-'ems, 
And had to put on hern ! 



To cure palpitation of the heart, procure a young woman — alive! and 
having ascertained the region of her heart, press the organ closely against 
your own, until the pain ceases. Where serious information is to be ap- 
prehended, it is well to cover it with some thin mouselin de laine, or other 
light fabric. For regimen, use cooling drinks and moonlight — about half 
and half. 



Noxcha.lexce. — An Englishman is not only fond of seeing sights, but he 
is also fond of expressing himself in his own peculiar and independent style. : 
A Cockney applied, when at Berlin, to the lord-marechal to present him 
to the king, Frederick the Great. His lordship told him that it was npt 
such an easy matter, and that many great noblemen had been refuse*!. 
" Faith." said the Englishman, " It is not that I care much about it ; but 
as I have already seen five kings, I should have been glad to make up the ] 
half dozen." 



*&) 



wr,7 uj » i i u^ut»,jlij 



A SCENE AT THE OPERA. 



1 




Having been Invited by your Cousin from the Country to Visit 

the Opera, and during the Performance he falls asleep. 

and are Stared out of Countenance by a number of 

Puppies with Opera Glasses. 



UPROAR HOUSE ' ! I 

OR THE GREAT NATIONAL QUARREL 

Between Twedleum and TumliveedU. 

This tremenduous row, in fact the 
row of '49, which began in the momen- 
tary question, whether Yankee ±sed or 
English Mac had the greatest capabil- 
ity to murder poor old Will iShakspeare 
and resulted in the death of 24 innocent 
individuals, and ended in establishing 
the fact, that in Gotham the difference 

I between the Codfish Aristocracy and 
Catfish Mobocracy was considerable, 

j if not more ; at the same time the world 

! was made acquainted with the valor of 

| tne New York Militia and the great su- 

I periority of the Foot Regiment over the 

I Horse Marines, the latter being com- 

j posed of Dutch Grocers and Irish Cart- 

j men, who true to the manner in which 

' they left their own country, Cut and 

; Run when brought into contact with 

! the rowdies ; the gallant foot stood their 

] ground or rather the cobble stones, like 

; heroes as they were and every mothers 

i son of them are fully entitled to a snuff 

, box as big as the one left by General 

; Jackson to the bravest of the brave of 

: our Mexican Warriors, and we prophe- 

1 cy that in future years they will replaco 

; the vacancy caused by the death of the 
very last of our Revolutionary Heroes, 
and be known as one of the Astor Opera 
House survivors ! 

.9 * 




■- i 




The Demon of Speculation taking his Victims over the Rocky Mountains, 
to find gold in heaps and to die from starvation and to leave their bones to 
whiten on the golden sands of the Sacramento. 



A shoemaker may be considered as entirely clone up, who is compelled to 
pawn his boot-trees — for he has evidently come to his last legs. 




u^ 



A Californicn Jew-ry 



r m 



COMING EVENTS CAST THEIR 




SHADOWS BEFORE. 

" Sam, docs your [ 
mother ever give 
you any rewards 
of merit ?" 

" I .spose she does, 
she gives me a lick- 
en regularly eve- 
ry da} r , and says I 
merit two. 



" I say captain," 
said a little keen- 
eyed man, as he 
landed from the 
steamer Potomac, 
atNatches. "I say 
captain, this here 
ain't all.' "Them's 
" all the plunder you 
brought on board 
anyhow." " Well 
see now, I grant it's 
O K, accordin' to 
the list — i boxes, 3 
chests, 2 ban'box- 
es, a portmanty, 2 
hams, 1 part cut, 
3 ropes o' inyans 
and a tea-kettle ; 
but you see, cap- 
tain, I'm duber- 
some, I feel there's 
somethin' short. — 
Though I've count- 
ed 'em over uine times an never took my eyes oif 'em while onboard — there's 
somethin' not right, somehow." "Well, stranger, time's up; them's all 
1 know on ; so just fetch your wife an' five children out of the cabin, as I'm 
off." " Thenfs 'em ! darn it, them's 'em ! I know'd I'd forgot somethin' !" 

Speaking of guns — reminds us ©f powder. We saw a lady in the city, 
with so much of it on her face, that she was refused admission into an om- 
nibus for tear a* an explosion. 

QUEER MISTAKE. 

One of our exchange 
papers has got a totally 
queer blunder, for which 
the printer ought to be 
i?ell scrubbed down. — 
The caption line, ' thro' 

BY DAYLIGHT,' which 

ought to have been at 
the head of a steamboat 
advertisement, is stuck 
over a " Brandreth's 
Pills." 




Misses Sijipy 



Why is a country dance like an emetic ? 
Because, its down the middle and up again. 




RATHER SQUALLY 

A good story is told of a rough 
captain, in a storm, who, when 
the terrified passengers persuad- 
ed him to petition Heaven for a 
cessation of the tempest, prefer- 
red the following brief request : 
"Oh Lord! I haven't been in 
the habit of calling upon thee 
often ; and if you 11 shift the 
wind from sou" -west to a little 
more sou', I won't trouble you 
again." 

A long-legged Yankee, en 
visiting a menagerie for the first j 
time, while stalking round the 
pavilion, suddenly came on the 
elephant; -whereupon he turned 
to the keeper, and said with B ur- 
prise : " Thunder and lightnin', 
mister, what darned critter have 
ye got here, with a tail on 

BOTH EKNDS ?" 



RATHER SHORT 




Barber. — " Is that short enough, sir ?" " Short enough ? why it looks ns 
if it was drove in, instead of being cut off!" 

Barber. — " How did you want it cut, sir ?" " Why with the shears ! it 
looks now as if it was cut with a knife and fork !" 

Mr. S. a tailor, having eloped with Mrs. P., the wife of a barber, a per- 
son wondered what attractions she possessed to draw the tailor so power- 
fully towards her. " Surely, (says a wag present) it is very easy to ac- 
count for the junction of the needle vith the pole " 



QUESTIONS FOR THE LONGEST DAY 

1. If 20 grains make a scruple, how m&ny will make a doubt ? 

2. If 8 miles make a fur long, how many will make a short napped hat i 

3. If 7 days make one week, how many will make one strong ? 

4. If 5 1 yards make a Pole, how many will make a Turk ? 

5. If 3 miles makf **. league, Vow many will make a confederacy ? 



BATHER. A TOUGH' YARN. 




A sailor who was com- 
plaining of some meat he 
was trying to eat, and mak- 
ing many wry faces, the 
landlady enquired what was 
the matter with it ? he re- 
[l plied, you had better ask it, 
its old enough to speak for 
itself. 



TO CARVE POULTRY 

Fowls have seldom more 
than two wings. It is advi- 
sable, therefore, in carving 
them, to remember this. — 
Help the particular guests 
to a wing or breast; and 
when they are gone, it is 
good-breeding to ask the un- 
important people, "if they 
have a preference for any 
part." 

A traveller in a steam- 
boat, not particularly cele- 
brated for its celerity, in- 
quired of a gentleman who 
stood next to him, what the 
boat was called ; upon which 
the latter replied, " I think 



sir, it is called the Regulator, for I observe all other beats go by it." 



CAMP MEETING ANECDOTE. 

At a camp-meeting, a number of 
ladies continued standing on the 
benches, notwithstanding frequent 
hints from the ministers to sit down. 
A. reverend old gentlemen, noted for 
his good humor, arose and said — " I 
think if these ladies standing on the 
benches knew they had holes in their 
stockings, they would sit down." — 
This address had the desired effect — 
there was an immediate sinking into 
the seats. A young minister stand- 
ing behind him, and blushing to the 
temples, said, " O, brother, how 
could you say that ?" " Say that ?" 
■ kl the old gentleman, "it's a fact 
-if they hadn't holes in their stock- 
ings, I'd like to know how they could 

f them on !" 



A man recently tried soft soap to 
north the harshness of his wife's 
! tongue. It took off a little of the 
1 roughness, but made it run faster. 




WOOD MAN SPARE THE TREE. 




TO PAINTERS, 

WHEEE TO GET AND HOW TO MIX THEIR COLORS. 

A chap just come out of a lime kiln, make common white ; two millers 
and a sweep, make a French ditto ; when two women quarrel, collect your 
black; from a brandy drinker's nose, scrape your blue; get all the fm 
dollar pieces you can, to make a good yellow; American Kifie Company 
makes invisible green ; when two chaps are fighting, collect your bright red 



I A queer fellow — an English farmer — says, that when be bought his farm ^ 

! there was but one blade of grass on it, and that two rabbits were fighting fo \ 

! that. We should like to know if this is not the same pc tad I > pul ) 

'< a weight, or an anchor, to the tails of his hogs, to keep them from tumbling jj 
! oyer their heads while in the act of rooting for a living ? 



CUT FOR DEAL— I BEG. 




I'LL GIVE YOU ONE. OH DEAR, YOUR A TRUMP. 




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PENCIL-VA.LN-IA, or INKLINGS (not) BY WILLIS. 



** SONS OF THE POTATO. 

I'm a careless potato, and heed not a pin 

How into existence I came ; 
If they planted me drill ways, or dibbled me in, 

To me 'tis exactly the same. 
The peas and the beans may more loftily tower, 

But why should 1 bend me to them .' 
Defiance I nod, with my beautiful flower 

When the earth is hoed up to my stem. 



J PROFESSOR OF EVENING CONCERTS, HAVING THE 
UVMP OF BENEVOLENCE MUCH LARGER THAN 
.."*i\NY L1ND, ALWAYS GIVES CONCERTS GRATIS. 




NO TIME ?or sw^^piwa 

HORSES. 

An Indiana man was 
travelling down the Ohio, 
on a steamer, with a mare 
and two year old colt, 
when, by a sudden careen 
of the boat, all three were 
tilted into the river. The 
Hoosier, as he arose, puff- j 
ing and blowing above the 
water, caught hold of the 
colt, not having a doubt 
that the natural instinct 
of the animal would carry 
him safe ashore. The old 
mare took a " bee line" 
for the shore; but the 
frightened colt swam lus- 
tily down the current 
with its owner hanging 
fast. " Let go the colt, 
and hang on to the old 
mare," shouted some of 
his friends. " Phree 
booh!" exclaimed the 
Hoosier, spouting water 
from his mouth, and sha- 
king his head like a New- 
foundland dog, " if 9 all 
very ine, your telling me 
to let go the colt, but- to a 
man that can't swim, this 
is not exactly the time for 
swapping horses." 



An English paper tells 
the following curious sto- 
ry : — An inquest was re- 
cently held over the body 
of a young man in Bristol, 
(Eng.,) named James Mitchell. Upon evidence it was stated, that the de- 
ceased had said to his sister, that people had often told him he was too great 
a coward to hang himself. And to prove himself no coward, he had in joke 
taken a string, and fastened it round his neck as he stood on a chair, and fall- 
ing from the chair was actually hung. Verdict : — Accidental death, caused 
by hanging himself in a joke. 

li Pat. what kind of battle would you prefer to fight, if you knew you were 
going to get whipped ?" " The battle of Brandy -wine, to be sure !" 

" Well, now I*ve got the hang of this business," as the culprit said when 
he found himself at last on the gallows. 

There is a hotel in Cincinnatti so leaky, that in rainy weather the board- 
ers are compelled to take umbrellas to bed with them. 



A man in Michegan, not long since, committed suicide by drowning. Ai 
I the body could not be found, the coroner held an inquest on his hat and jack- 
1 et, found on the bank of the lake. Verdict — " found empty." 



HUNG UP TO DRY. 




| An English laborer in Cheshire, attempting to drown himself, an irish 
I reaper who saw him going into the water, leaped in after him, and brought 
' him safe to shore. The fellow attempting it a second time, the reaper a 
; second time got hi ra out ; but the laborer being determined to destroy him- 
! self, watched his opportunity, and hung himself behind the barn door. The 
Irishman observed him, but never offered to cut him down : when, several 
hours afterwards, the master, coming into the bar^-yard, asked him, " up- 
on what ground he had suffered the poor fellow to hang there ?" *.' Faith," 
replied Patrick, " I don't know what you mean by ground; I know I was 
so good to him that I fetched him out of the water two times, and I know 
too, he was wet through every rag, and I thought he hung himself up to dry, 
and you know I could have no right to prevent him." 



A Working Man. — A loafer filled with new-made beer 





FRIENDLY MEETING BETWEEN TWO CALIFORNIAN SETTLERS. 
The old greeting of the highway robber of " your money or your life," 
is now changed in the Gold Diggins to " give me food or I'll blow out your 
brains ;" and that gold for which the avarice of man has caused him to for- 
sake home and kindred, all that renders life desirable, is left for yellow 
earth, and when got is utterly useless and valueless ; the wretch that hag 

toiled and starved 
to procure his heart's 
idol, and to get pos- j 
session of, has sacri- ' 
need every thing in 
the world, has toiled 
in misery and beg- ' 
gary for the little i 
gratification of dying \ 
rich. 



I say, Wagtail, we 
gold fish are gainers ' 
by this gold-fever, 
now instead of con- 
fining us in glass ' 
globes because we 
look like gold, the 
plaguy fools have 
gone to a prison them- 
selves to look like 



An Inference. — A country editor, in speaking of a steamboat, says : — 
. " She had twelve berths in her ladies' cabin." 

" Oh, life of me !" exclaimed au old lady, upon reading the above, " what 
a squalling there must have been !" 




BALL OF YAM. 



OR, 



QUEER, QUAINT &, QUIZZICAL 
Stories, Unraveled. 

WITH NEARLY 200 COMIC ENGRAVINGS OF 
FREAKS, FOLLIES & FOIBLES 

OF 

QUEER FOLKS; 

BY THAT 

Prince of Comics, 




PHILIP J. COZAWS, Publisher, 116 Nassau Street, N. Y. 



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